Dissertation -time

Okay, here we are. I’ve not posted a single line on this page for ages, and I hate myself now as I promise to myself to do it no matter what, but… no! I guess if Jesus had procrastinated so much, he wouldn’t have managed to create the world for seven days! SEVEN DAYS! Oh, just imagine the rush! (Crazy, huh!?!)

HOWEVER, I have an excuse this time as I am guilty of writing my dissertation and looking for part time job, and eating, and sleeping. Not all of it in the same time. So, this post I would like to dedicate to my dissertation or more specifically 10 thoughts you have while your MASTER’S thesis.

1. Choose a topic you like! – What I like? Yes, that’s easy, I like good books, cream caramel, potatoes, sci-fi movies. Hmm, how that can relate to my subject? I guess I can write about the spectrum of moral identity in relation to not wanting to share my potatoes and cream caramel with real people, but only with fictional characters. Mind- blowing, huh?
2. Okay, you should not copy other people’s works! Fine, but when my professor requested a full account of Marxism, my first thought was to give him a copy of the Communist Manifesto!
3. Need to write the introduction, need to be SMART. I am going to write every single word that comes to my mind in alphabetical order.
4. Oh, I don’t know that for sure, I am going to the library, but let’s GOOGLE it first. Google knows everything, it has its own phone already, I bet it can save your fingerprint so in case it’s stolen it does not allow the thief to work on it. See, smart! (I should definitely call someone from Google and propose it, I will be rich!)
5. So… I wonder how many references I should put into a paragraph to sound smart enough, 10,100,1000?
6.  My computer is frozen! What should I do?!?! (Caressing gently the screen, saying quietly “It’s okay, we can take a break, we deserve it!” )
7. Crying in the corner, eating biscuits and wondering why there is no device which can transform your thought into writing.
8. Spending mornings, lunch time, and dinners at the library. Library – a noun – synonym of the word “home”.
9. Reading what you have written 12 hours before and asking yourself whether this is too smart for you to understand it or it does not make any sense at all!
10. Starting to convince yourself that you can do it while reading through the endless list of literature you need to check! (Breathes heavily!)

Life’s lesson (which nobody bothers himself to tell you about)#1

You are having a great time or at least you thought you ‘d had the last time you saw your so-called new friend at a party. It was loud, it was massive, a lot of people you don’t know lurking around, spreading gossip, exchanging pleasantries, you know the usual things, it was a blast. But wait a minute, actually, you were invited to a place where you wouldn’t know anyone else except your two friends and before starting to roll the flashbacks to that night, you realized that you’d been left on your own devises, on your own all night. You remember very vividly now that every time when you tried to have more than 2-minutes conversation with one of them, well it didn’t work out because all you had received was a curt answer or just a nod and that was the exact frigging moment when you realised that you’ve been nothing else but merely tolerated.

 

No, do not look at this and do not accuse me of something like a self-loathing hatred or something. That is not the case here. Because it’s me, it’s you and maybe everyone else you know have been in that situation. It is the time to realize that sometimes, somehow people do not get along , we get so easily annoyed by so many things and not everyone is a precious snowflake. This is the time to feel good about yourself because you are going to turn a new page of your life experience , the tine when you realize that you need to buckle up and leave alone the “friends” who do not like you or who just simply tolerate you. Not out of spite , not out of hatred, but because you need to self-preserve yourself and save your kindness for someone who would really appreciate it. You do not need to chase people or snowflakes when it is not snowing.

You are having a great time or at least you thought you ‘d had the last time you saw your so-called new friends at a party. It was loud, it was massive, a lot of people you don’t know lurking around, spreading gossip, exchanging pleasantries, you know the usual things, it was a blast. But wait a minute, actually, you were invited to a place where you wouldn’t know anyone else except your two friends and before starting to roll the flashbacks to that night, you realized that you’d been left to your own devices, on your own all night. You remember very vividly now that every time when you tried to have more than 2-minutes conversation with one of them, well it didn’t work out because all you had received was a curt answer or just a nod and that was the exact frigging moment when you realised that you’ve been nothing else but merely tolerated. No, do not look at this and do not accuse me of something like a self-loathing hatred or something. That is not the case here. Because it’s me, it’s you and maybe everyone else you know has been in that situation. It is the time to realize that sometimes, somehow people do not get along, we get so easily annoyed by so many things and not everyone is a precious snowflake. This is the time to feel good about yourself because you are going to turn a new page of your life experience , the time when you realize that you need to buckle up and leave alone the “friends” who do not like you or who just simply tolerate you. Not out of spite , not out of hatred, but because you need to self-preserve yourself and save your kindness for someone who would really appreciate it. You do not need to chase people or snowflakes when it is not snowing.

You can keep up showing up in the same place where they hang out, you can contact them every week in vain hope of going out with them and you can wait up for their response as if your life depends on it because you find them so interesting and they fascinate you , but they will probably just laugh it off. Or you can stand up straight, look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself “Do I need this?” , and end it up at one, rip off the bandage and move on, not wasting your time, energy and attention on someone who does not care. Because the ones who care, the ones who truly hold you dear will respond to your messages, to your calls, and even if they are too busy they will eventually show up, because they know the meaning of the time and they know how to give and receive attention. So, ignore the things they can say about you, that you are too indignant and too proud, you preserve yourself and you learn to follow only those who want to follow you,too.

Fine.

 
‘Everything is going to be fine.” Have you though how many times you ‘ve heard this sentence already? How many times someone looked you in the eyes, took your hand and said in milky voice these words?

And the very first time you heard it , I bet you thought, yes everything will be JUST fine, someone would come and fix everything and we will be happy, maybe some wizard like Merlyn or Gandalf would do it. You were so naive and so full of hope because you believed it with all your heart and soul.

But then, what happened after that? Oh, yes, the crushing waves of reality were storming towards you and you were left on your own, in the sea, no, it is in the ocean and it seems so infinite and it is so frustrating because this is nor the F***ing Titanic’s movie and you are not Kate Winslet, you would not take a nomination for the best performance in life-risking situation. You are more like a goofy version of Bridget Jones but in more pitiful condition.

That’s right, you are a grown-up woman now and there is nobody to hold your hand or to feel pity for you and say to you that “everything will be fine” after every existential crisis, because you have to say it on your own. You are probably surrounded by a group of friends, like me, who most of them have been in long term relationship and they nag you with question whether you will find someone or not, but deep down you know that they would give up everything to be like you at the end of the day, fierce and independent and just “perfectly fine”.

When you have a bad day? Everything is fine. Your colleague asks you whether you are okay, you are fine. You have been wrapped in nostalgic memories about the days when you were 18 and everything was so easy, but you are fine. Another lonely night, a bunch of terrible dates, no time to read for real or connect, no time for being you just fitting into one social role into another, but it’s FINE. The days turn into weeks and then into months and you don’t realize how the time flies and you need to speed up a bit to catch up with what you need to catch before it’s too late.

But, I have good news for you, everyone else is just as fine as you are . Everything is a walking mess but we cover it up with being  “FINE” because it’s  easier not because it is real. We like to pretend, we like to be fine.

Good night.

 

 

 

 

5 things people SAY or DO,which irritate me, because I am DISABLED

1.First things first. One of the most irritating things is when someone would tell me in a mixture of a childish voice and worry “Are you okay? Is everything alright?”. Okay, I got it, it’s perfectly fine some people express their concern and I am really glad that they do it, but if this phrase is repeated more than four times during our interaction I would get irritable and who know maybe ask you in a slight pitched voice “Sure, what about you, are you okay, too?”

2.Number two: “Can you do that?”

I know that my body poses certain types of limitations due to my disability, but when I know that I can do something I will do it without any additional help. But if I feel that I am incapable of doing it I would ask nicely for assistance or help. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, but when I know that I have certain difficulties with performing specific activities I know how to ask ( I must confess I can’t eat with chopsticks, it is just mission impossible for me!).

3. Staring. Okay, I am completely aware that staring is inevitable part of my life, but sometimes it gets on my nerves, some people have the prudence to stare continuously even though the situation escalated to the level of awkwardness greater than the awkwardness of telling someone with a wrong name more than once. Sometimes I stare too but out of curiosity towards someone, like for example the super blue radiant colour of a woman in her 50s, it was just mesmerizing. But staring for more than twenty seconds, this is a different horse. It’s just unbelievable comical and I am more inclined to laugh at it most of the time, but people, come on, it’s extremely rude.

4.Shocking expression on their face when they know that I have sexual experience.

This is really a tough one as in today’s society, unfortunately, disabled people are surrounded by the stigma that we can’t be sexually active or to be honest here we shouldn’t be sexually attractive, active or whatever. I am not sure whether this is more unfair or scandalous! However, the hard truth is that we are not usually perceived as an object of desire by the masses. But who is perceived by everyone as a super attractive? And above all, who is perfect? All of the cosmetic industry, clothes, and everything else is created in order we as a consumers can fix our “flaws”  or enhance our level of attractiveness. So, should we make such a profound discrimination? Or we are still lost in the theory of Darwinism and we could not change our perception?

5. Change of voice, manner of speaking and attitude.

The situations can vary in regards to the opinion of the person in front of you. Some people transform themselves to being over-nice and over- obliging towards me once they see my disability while others look highly at me as if I am beneath their intellectual capacity or something (these individuals are for my ill-informed about my condition or any disability at all and they simply choose to look at my imperfection with abhorrence). The problem is not entirely the attitude but that a change towards it takes place after all. Personally, I am averse towards the idea of being treated differently whether it’s a positive or negative one, I would prefer to be treated very much the same as everyone else.

Anyway, hope you enjoy this post, and please share your experience below in the comments! 🙂

Happy New Year!

Hope you had a fantastic New Year’s Eve! May 2017 be the happiest year in your life, you deserve it!

Another year is over and you’ve put one more candle on your birthday cake! It’s unbelievable how the times flies as you make plans for tomorrow or the week ahead. I would advise to make less plans for today or tomorrow , but to look around and carefully to observe what surrounds you. I want you to use the images of your memories as a mirror and upon its reflection to see what have you done right and what you could have done differently. We all make mistakes, we all err, but we need to see the fault in it in order next to make things better. I want you to forgive more easily and to put the past behind you in order not to live for the future but for the moment you are experiencing right now. Because like I said the time flies and sometimes it is like a whirlwind roundabout and you just can’t stop it even if it is too fast for you. Be courageous and brave and be what you want to be, you don’t need anyone’s approval or consent. Keep being so optimistic, passionate, funny even in an awkward way, polite, powerful, practical, quick-witted, resilient, creative, reliable, romantic, self-confident, sensible, sensitive, caring, sincere, gregarious, strong, thoughtful, versatile, and warmhearted! Keep the magic burning in you!

 

 

What are we really? Another updated status or a tiny balls of loneliness?

One of my favourite quotes of all the time is from the beginning of Charles Dickins’ novel “A tale of two cities” , and it goes like this :

“”It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us…”.

Every time I read it I feel myself filled with hope for what the future have in store for all of us. It sounds pretty idealistic, isn’t it? And even though it had been written so long time ago, it might have an impact today as well, don’t we live in the age of “foolishness” and “wisdom “ at the same time?!? But the real question to ask is are we appreciating what we have or we are just prisoners of some trends, trying to imitate something, adhering to certain norms and expectations.

I am not going to lie to you, no, no,no. I will be straight forward as I can because sometimes things need to be said as they are. Sometimes I spend too much time on the Internet, on various social medias like Twitter, Facebook and Instagram and even though most of the time I do that for fun and for the feeling “So what?” I am going to spend three hours of my life endlessly scrolling down the pictures of people I don’t know just because I like their hairstyle or dress style or music preferences, it gets daunting and exhausting to do it. In one minute you look at some pictures or read some status update and put your like as an approval of it as if you can raise your voice and give a say and support or whatever makes you feel good, because your whole day or week even have been crappy and you need to spend it better way and most of all you need APPRECIATION and ATTENTION. (Don’t dare to roll your eyes at me as you are reading this, we both know it’s true and we all have been there.)

But things get hard when you can’t get as much like as this girl here, how she managed to get so famous on Instagram, what is her secret? And then you become addicted to it and you start watching tutorial and searching for tips how to attract many followers, and in the end you know how to post things on the right time, how many posts to have and you are there Finally! But the void is not gone! Maybe after a few more pictures and likes and comments and it’s that vicious cycle in which you can’t get out because the white rabbit is gone and you are no longer little girl reading Alice in wonderland.

This major hype around it is everywhere, we live under the motto “if it is not posted, it didn’t happen,duh!”. After all, for whom are these posts after all, for you or for someone else. I am sure that there are still people who make their post only for them not to justify something to someone (presumable to strangers out there), not for craving attention or appreciation , but just to make a memory of it. If you are one of them, you are not alone, but you might be outnumbered by the other ones who do it for the opposite reasons.

In the end, I want to ask, what is more important to you, an honest and humble conversation with someone or the number of likes and comments on your status? It’s your choice to decide what you value more worthy because we all live in “winter of despair” and the “spring of hope”.

If you never try, you will never know

Day 10 : Words of wisdom that speak to you

I am not sure how they stuck up in my head, whether it was because of Coldplay or because of a friend who used to tell me that (while both of us would listen to Coldplay as well) but these words just stay with me and I can say that they are pure pang of wisdom to me.

We all know when we find ourselves in these moments with the big “What if…”in front of them. As if we start telling a story, but all of sudden we get distracted and confused and we just don’t finish it up. And then it comes the wondering, the guessing, the hypnotizing and probably regretting part when we overthink the situation so much that we tend to exaggerate every tiny bit of detail in the story and before we know it we are giant ball of mess.

See, my point is not to discourage you and to give you the idea that your life would be an endless roll of “if-s “ , quite the opposite. Take chances, be brave and what you want NOW , no tomorrow, no when the right moment comes ( because sometimes it never does and this is far more disheartening than something else). Take the plunge and dive into life, destroy your “if”s and “buts” and show them how fierce you can be. Because only you can take chances and if you don’t, you will never now how it would turn out to be.

When I feel the need to be fierce and brazen, I tell myself that and sometimes it’s for the best.

And here is a Coldplay’s song for you. 🙂